Stardate 1608.23 – Too Much
There’s something saying for ‘too much’ which upsets the balance of scales. This year, my biggest goal has been to focus on growing an extra layer of skin and sloughing off dead weight. It has been a difficult struggle because I have had to deal with the feedback loop of life vomiting me up. I have experienced the same Groundhog Day bullcarp forcing me to wear my heart outside my skin. I cannot change my childhood, nor change the hearts of people when I started finding myself. Abandonment, trials and rejection molded my spirit to want to save the world. Yes, in some ways, I developed a god-complex. Not in the aspect of looking down on people, but where I greatly feel the need to save people. I’m not talking about their soul. That is between them and the god they serve. I want to save them from abandonment, rejection and the trials my life has been ripped to shreds. I have had to start all over in finding out what a ‘friend’ is. It is definitely a foreign concept to me. I hold on to those who should have never been accepted and scare away those who are honorable. To accept me, all of me… I am not for the weak soul.
Then, I have another bad habit. Not only do I overshare trying to save people, I overshare to scare weak, disreputable deserters. I’ve spent too many years hiding who I am and what I like under a bushel and the minute I set my soul to fly like an eagle, I soared too close to the sun. Yes, the experience scorched my flesh, dehydrated me and caused the weaklings to scurry away from me. I changed my religion and lost all my childhood friends. I have no spiritual community to lean on nor do I have a neighborhood community to care.
Now, the time is right to let the past and the future leave my thoughts and concentrate on the present. Somehow, I keep forgetting about the whole letting go of the future routine. I fear putting my heart and soul into a friendship only to have them leave when they find out I like bellydance, (gasp) writing, and dressing up like a Jedi. Not to mention, I have a thing for rap (not crap). The fact I am pro-choice for self-defense is another turn off. After constantly told I am going to Davy’s locker no matter what has gotten old. Even when I believed the exact same way they did, my soul was on the road to hell.
Before last night, I did not accept my weakness as a strength. Today, I understand in order to change my stars, I have to actually accept the constellation I was born under. One of the biggest compliments I receive about my scifi novel is how I perceive people. Although I have admitted to making a mistake at the age of 16 to be gifted the wisdom of Solomon, the faith of Abraham and the strength of Jacob, I did not know the combination would turn me into some sort of freak show. My understanding of people has been the greatest strength in my book. People connect to my characters on a deeper level than I imagined.
There just isn’t anything more to share at this time. If you take one thing from my stories and apply it to your life, make sure it’s a good one. Defend the weak, be a host, and the Creator did not call man unclean. Sure men miss the mark, but it doesn’t make them less than human. So what if someone doesn’t like what you like, it doesn’t give you the right to crush their dreams. Uplift each other, help them become the person they see fit to be. Stop creating robots. If someone wears their heart on their shoulder, then they probably have some wisdom to share which will prevent you from falling in that well far out of lassie’s reach. My hope is to postpone the day where we have tons of knowledge and a lack of wisdom. The day we stop seeking to accept other people’s uniqueness is the day we lose wisdom.
I know, I know. I am too deep. I wear my heart for all to see. Well, if it saves someone from the pain I have felt, then why the codfish not?
Signing off for now,