The journey of healing after trauma and emotional abuse is not an easy one. It is a long and sometimes daunting road that requires courage, strength, and a willingness to confront the darkest parts of oneself. I know this because I have walked that path myself.
When I first started to address my trauma and emotional abuse, I felt lost and overwhelmed. The scars of my past seemed to be etched into my very being, and I was unsure if I would ever be able to fully heal. But slowly, with the help of therapy, support from loved ones, and a commitment to self-care, I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel. One of the ways I found solace during this healing journey was through music. I would wear my earbuds at school, listening to my favorite songs whenever I felt triggered or overwhelmed. The music acted as a soothing balm for my soul, helping me to calm down and refocus my thoughts. It was a small but powerful tool that I used to navigate the turbulent waters of my emotions.
However, when I decided to reenter the working world, I quickly realized that I could not rely on my earbuds in the same way. Nor was I able to escape to the bathroom to compose myself. Working in fast food, I was not allowed to wear them during my shifts, and I had to find other ways to cope with my triggers. It was a difficult adjustment to deal with healing without addiction and music, but I knew that I had to find new ways to protect and care for myself.
One thing I have learned on this journey is that healing takes time. It is not a linear process, and there are bound to be setbacks and challenges along the way. There have been times when I have felt like giving up, but I have learned to give myself grace and to keep moving forward, one step at a time.
One of the most difficult aspects of healing has been coming to terms with the ways in which my past experiences have shaped my present reality. Even now, years after leaving my abuser behind, I still carry the scars of that trauma with me. When the average person sees me cry at the drop of a hat, they do not realize the depth of the wounds that lie beneath the surface. In particular, I have found that big men still have the power to frighten me, especially when they scold or raise their voices. It is a visceral reaction that I struggle to control, a remnant of the trauma I endured. However, I have also noticed that men from New York do not have that same effect on me. This is because my body created a coping mechanism through an addiction to researching the mafia, giving me a false sense of protection.
While I no longer have an uncontrollable addiction to researching the mafia, I still carry that underlying feeling of protection with me. It is a reminder of the ways in which our bodies and minds adapt to survive in the face of trauma.
And so I continue to give myself grace, to acknowledge the ways in which my past has shaped me, and to move forward with courage and resilience. Healing from trauma and emotional abuse is a complex and ongoing process. It requires patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to confront the darkest parts of ourselves. And while it may not be easy, it is a journey worth taking. So I urge you to give yourself grace, to be kind to yourself and to others, and to remember that healing takes time.
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