When I had lived under CPTSD, I didn't understand the nightmares was the biggest red flag that something needed to change. I needed to change. I needed to take a stand. In the attempt of preparing myself for my radical schedule change next week, I have been trying to wake up at 7am. However, today I slept in because I was afraid of waking up my friend with my alarm because he said he was going to sleep in and I am once again: couch surfing. I also know that in the last few days, I have had trouble waking up. I have been sleeping really hard this week without my mushroom MUDz sleeping aid.
I have been sleeping at my friend's house instead of the apartment. In the attempt of re-birthing from the ashes, I have been working 4 jobs and going to college full time. The kids brought in a roommate and he has caused trouble between us. Yet, I can't kick him out because if tried, then the kids would revert to their programing. Their father had taught them not only that housewives live rent free, but I was the cause of his misogynist behavior.
This morning I awoke from a nightmare. My brain had rehashed yesterday's event where I had communicated the shared financial responsibility with my son. He had treated me with respect. Approaching the subject with the eyes of a deer staring at headlights, I hesitated, "I have court next week. Will we still be able to communicate with civility and respect. His one phrase reply of, 'It depends' would give me the PTSD nightmare for this morning. Waking from my dream, I heard the word 'Depends' reverberating as though I was alone in a cave. Although in real life, he had said it once and walked out the front door, I heard and saw it in my dream how he walked up to me and yelled with each repetition getting louder in my ear and my minds eyes. From experience, I know this PTSD nightmare will repeat itself. This simple dream will haunt me for awhile because I know what it means. My son is going to make my life miserable unless I cave and give up my last legal rights to the man who caused numerous dreams like the one I had with my son.
With every last muscle, I moved most of my stuff out of the apartment yesterday. The roommate and his friend had helped, but the roommate ended the day with being proud that I called him rude, disrespectful and a misogynist. This young man believes that it was okay to not give us his portion of rent, electricity, and internet. Nor did he give us money for groceries. If I even pointed it out, he would cry to my sons who would defend him and tell me I was being a bully and an abuser.
MISOGYNY 2.0
The only toxic masculinity is misogamy and the ideal that housewives live rent free. There are a lot of misconceptions about masculinity. Let's clear that up.
Masculinity is a social and cultural construct that encompasses a wide range of characteristics, behaviors, and roles traditionally associated with being a man. It is influenced by societal expectations, stereotypes, and norms regarding masculinity and is subject to variations across different cultures and historical periods. Masculinity typically includes traits such as strength, courage, assertiveness, independence, and competitiveness. It often denotes a sense of responsibility, leadership, and protection. However, it is important to note that masculinity can be expressed and experienced differently by individuals and should not be seen as a rigid and fixed concept. Masculinity should be understood as a complex and fluid concept that can be shaped by personal experiences, social influences, and individual interpretations.
Toxic masculinity refers to the set of societal expectations and norms that prescribe a rigid and harmful ideal of manhood. It is characterized by behaviors and attitudes that emphasize dominance, aggression, and the suppression of emotions. Toxic masculinity can lead to harmful attitudes and actions, including sexism, misogyny, homophobia, and violence. It perpetuates harmful gender stereotypes that can negatively impact both men and women and restrict individual expression and self-worth.
There is a difference between a leader, gentleman, protector and the latter. I am not talking about teaching children chores. I am not talking about giving boys certain chores and toys and girls certain toys and chores. I am talking about the idea that housewives live rent free. That you can stomp all over them like this roommate did.
Toxic Masculinity is Misogamy
"I'm not paying you back. I'm not paying you back for the money I borrowed from you so that I could go to a funeral. I'm not paying you back because you deserve to be treated like this. You telling me that I am responsible for changing my behavior toward to you is the reason I am going to treat you like I do. You leaving is your choice. I'm not making you homeless. I took time out of my day to help you. You offered money out of desperation to get away from me and I denied money and said I would do it for free so that you would get out of the house and I can party with your son and take advantage of him. Cuz all I am going to do is help out with groceries and not pay rent. Now I am asking for money because after my friend watched you struggle with boxes while he sat in the car, he wants me to ask for gas money. I got hurt at work so I can't do anything but I have lifted boxes, gone skating on your sons dime, party and dance every weekend even though I can't work. I don't have to pay you any money because all I got is money for my car and gas. I got money to seduce women and use them like rag dolls."
Thank Gawd my daughter saw his toxicity. Darling. You are treating me like shit and you are teaching my sons that it is normal for all their male role figures to treat a woman like this. When I pointed it out to him, he said he took it as a compliment. That I deserved to be stomped on, treated with hostility and disrespect. That I was an unreasonable bitch. I'm pretty sure when he got back to the apartment, he saw I had taken my gaming system and bitched about how I was being a disrespectful bitch. However, after the total lack of self control and disrespect on his behalf and the fact he was blocking me so he didn't have to pay me back, I took my gaming system because I knew he would break it on purpose to hurt me. I have learned that some men treat women like this. When I lived with my ex husband, I feared and learned all men treat women like this.
Lots of men complain about how women turn lesbian because of men, but I am here to tell you something different women. You can choose to surround yourself with men who do not treat you with disrespect. You can take your power back. The new men in my life think I should be the one to kick the toxic masculinity out of the apartment I earned. But what they don't realize is that I will be enforcing the idea in men that I am the cause of their pain and abuse from women. You want your own apartment. There you go. You want to treat women like used washcloths. Here you go. I am done.
Yesterday, I apologized to my daughter that I couldn't do it anymore. However, she reassured me that she knew I didn't fight for my well being and personal safety with her father, but she saw me standing up for my personal bubble of peace. We also talked about choices. We discussed that there were times that we received emotional abuse, but there were times when we dished it out because we chose to spread the poison of misery. I am no perfect angel, but I know what bridges to burn this time.
I will not repeat the past and remain in a situation that causes CPTSD. I face my PTSD head on. I know and have healed from triggers. I know what triggers me and how to use good coping skills because I have left bad coping skills behind.
No matter what happens next week in court, my ex-husband is going to claim that I am abusing him by standing before the court and telling the judge that he refuses to give me what he told the court he was going to give me as what he deemed fair. Even though he bullied me out of my half and told the kids I didn't even help him buy the farm because I was just a housewife. I was not worthy of respect. I was not worthy to be treated like a human. I have made every conjunction and gave up every right for my ex and children not to lose the family farm, but it is clear that no matter how many times I give up my rights to a bully, he is going to pound me into the ground causing emotional duress. I still remember when it pumped up his ego that he gave me nightmares.
That right there should tell you women, that is toxic masculinity. When you tell a man that his behavior is causing you nightmares, his behavior toward you isn't fair and when he calls it a complement, it's time for you to choose to get the hell out of dodge.
If I can do it, so can you. Rise up warrior. It's okay to be afraid. It's okay to cry, but adjust your crown and protect your peace. Adjust your crown and know that you are worthy.
Here I am. I have lost my farm and my apartment. I have lost everything I have worked for materialistic wise, but there is one thing I have not lost. I have adjusted my crown and I refuse to put myself daily in a chain of events that cause CPTSD.
Pack your bag and walk away
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